roses are happier black.

thoughtprocesses.

Monday, November 21, 2005

a letter to someone

just an intermission before i start working again. i hope you read this message when you have time. i really want to save this now because probably when the time comes that we can talk, i will have forgotten everything so i'll say things now even though it's very incoherently structured. i'll just type everything what my unconscious mind dictates. just reply if you have any questions, comments, objections, whatsoever… erhem.. hmm… where shall i begin…

i know both of us are preoccupied with a lot of things. both of us do not have enough time for each other because we are busy. i really wish that reality would permit us to stop time for eternity and to let us do all the things we want, however, life is that bitter that all we could do is just dream.

no this is not a break-up letter or anything. i'm just reiterating the bitter reality… life is absurd. we have to work our asses off just to die in the end. in spite of this, i know there is still meaning behind all the absurdities of life. it is up to both what kind of meaning we’re going to make of it.

last night i was just thinking about what you've said regarding careers and relationships. to be specific, how love relationships can be a hindrance to one's success. well, just for you to know, i'm working because i'm always dreaming of my future… i'm dreaming too exhaustively that sometimes my thoughts become too supernatural… you know the feeling of thinking about things which is really impossible for you to have like owning the whole world for instance. i don't know if you could still remember but i have told you that some people in the past have been telling me that i have no future because i'm just thinking about it. they're wrong. i know there are a lot of possibilities as to what the future might become. i'm just no ordinary dreamer JUST thinking about possibilities. i know in my heart i have the potential to make most of these possibilities become more than just a lousy dreamer's hallucinations.

that's what i'm doing right now and what i'll be doing tomorrow, if i'd still live that is the case. i want to externalize all these ideas i have about my future. i badly, lustily want to covet these dreams. what's the sense of writing my thesis of i don't want to graduate just to study again, go abroad, and get a high paying job? of course i have my reasons, and a lot of people are in it including you. in the present, i'm building my future with each every moment i can use. if you think that right now you are a hindrance to my future, i'd say no. i know the future is uncertain. the sad part is, we might not end up together. i have a love-hate relationship towards uncertainty. i've been always sharing my thoughts with cito – all my hopes, my fears, etc. he's been a very nice friend to me and one of the people i'd like to be as one of the characters in the stories i will be telling to my grandchildren if my collective memory would serve me well in the future. you can ask him what my thoughts are regarding this relationship with you. after what happened to cebu, my thoughts have turned into pessimism. i want to prepare myself. sorry if i'm thinking too much. i know you can feel this. i notice this also with all our phone conversations. prior to cebu, you once talked about trying to make your first love your last whereas now, we always talk about how uncertain things might be.

i know i have become your worst nightmare during that incident and i'm really sorry for that. sam once told me that you don’t deserve to be part of my memory as my first love. maybe it can be the other way around. i don't deserve to be as part of your collective memory. during the time we put our relationship into a hiatus, i was thinking not to continue the relationship with you. in fact (i even told you this), i was ready to end things up with you. i was just waiting for you to say "goodbye" but the decision shifted to me and until now, it is not clear to me why you made that decision. going back, one of the principles that i made before regarding relationships is that when my guy's parents and relatives are against me, i'll end up everything immediately. the reason why jhay left his girl because he loves her very much that he doesn't want the girl to make a choice between him and her mom. i was thinking about it. i know this racial thing sucks and i don't understand the logic of this percentage thing regarding someone's identity because some chinese people would even say that my sister and i are still chinese because we still 25 per cent of it. does that mean we're not filipino anymore considering the fact that we don't know any fukien or mandarin aside from the cuss words? where does one draw the lines? how come 50-50 is considered a chinese when a person has an equal percentage of both? am i spanish because i'm 12 per cent spanish? to hell with races and to hell with percentages! to hell with social constructs! i don't care because i know i'm human and that's the most indubitable thing in the world. i was thinking about quitting but i thought that it would be unfair on your part if i do it. you’ve been always telling me how you've been always talking out things to your mom and i appreciate all the effort. thank you very much. sorry if i'm thinking again too much because i don't want to cause you all the trouble. and after everything that happened to cebu, what more will your relatives think of me? i thought i'll be a disgrace. but i have chosen to fix everything including this thing although there seems to be more loose ends when we try to fix everything.

i also want to fix everything. i know i'm too obsessively-compulsive towards my life. if you think that i’m doing this for myself, i say no. becoming a part of my life, you already have a part in the future i am trying to build and i really hope that you will let me include you. you once told me that you'll let me go if you find yourself an obstacle to my success. you are one of the reasons why i'm doing all this work no matter how nauseous they may seem. it's not all fun. what fun to me is dozing lazily in a windy, sunny afternoon, playing overnight slaying dragons and hunting gold in khanonline, daydreaming, sleeping, drumming my way to fame as a rockstar… that sort of fun. not this, not writing a thesis as if the whole world will be put my thoughts into consideration, not studying again as if people give a shit if a have a "dr" or a "ph.d" attached to my name. life is absurd and this world is a swirling blob of vomit to live in. if you will be stepping out of my life because you think you are a hindrance, that will only shatter my dreams. it's really nice to be inspired by someone because it gives you all the drive to struggle against all these absurdities. i thank you for being one of my inspirations.

i'm really sorry if i'm not talking that much. i'm sorry if i'm too introverted. i'm sorry for the deafening silence every time we talk. i'm sorry for all the trouble… i'm sorry for everything. don't think of me too much because i can handle everything. not everyone knows what my problems are and i'm not planning to share it anyway unless it is called for. i don't want to see people fussing over my problems because they are mine alone. i don't want people to feel upset because i'm having such-and-such a predicament. i don't want to share my problems with you because i don't want you to feel overburdened. this may seem unfair but for me it is because i want it to be this way. i'm my friends' bastion of strength and i hope you also feel the same way when you share your thoughts with me.

again, thank you. you are nothing to me.

p.s. i'm really sorry for stealing your time. i know i'll disturb you for sure. it’s just because i want you to know all of these thoughts now. i'm sorry for being selfish. i know i am and i don’t regret it. "selfishness is a virtue" - ayn rand

~~runaway~~