thoughtprocesses.
Monday, November 28, 2005
father lucifer - tori amos
Father LuciferYou never looked so sane
You always did prefer the drizzle to the rain
Tell me that you're still in love with that Milkmaid
How's the LizziesHow's your Jesus christ been hanging
Nothings gonna stop me from floating
Nothings gonna stop me from floating
He says he reckons I'm a watercolour stain
He says I run and then I run from him
And then I run
He didn't see me watching
From the aeroplane
He wiped a tear
And then he threw away our appleseed
Nothings gonna stop me from floating
Nothings gonna stop me from floating
Everyday's my wedding day
Though baby's still in his comatose state
I'll die my own Easter eggs
Don't go yetJust don't go
And Beenie lost the sunset but that's OK
Does Joe bring flowers to Marilyn's grave
And girls that eat pizza and never gain weight
Never gain weightNever gain weight
Father Lucifer you never looked so sane
You always did prefer the drizzle to the rain
Tell me that you're still in love with that milkmaid
How's the Lizzies
How's your Jesus Chirst been hanging
runaway
Friday, November 25, 2005
... i can't think of a title
i woke up really late! today is our philosophy congress and it started 8 am. hahaha. after i have finished my thesis proposal, i started to become obsessed with my bed. i lust for sleep! lot's of sleep especially now that the weather is getting cold. weee.
so maybe you're going to ask what happened to my thesis... well, it's more than 60 pages. i forgot the exact number because i just printed them right away. so far, i still have the longest thesis proposal in our batch - 60 + pages of transcendental pure trash. my thesis proposal is too thick that i have to put it in a short brown envelope because an ordinary sliding folder won't keep it in place. being the only intj person in class, my thesis is a system analysis - pretty much alike wit the works of industrial engineers (i know this because my boyfriend is one). i am the only person in class who will do a system building. when i was rereading my thesis, told him a sick joke, "dapat nag eng na lang pala ako. parehas lang pala. shift na ako sa engineering!"
when i was working at it last monday night, my mom gave me some encouraging words... her lines were so powerful that i really forced myself to finish it as soon as possible. quoting my mom in verbatim,
matulog ka na. saka mo na lang tapusin yan. bukas na lang o di kaya next term. ipasa mo na lang ng ganyan e di pag bumagsak ka ulitin mo na lang next term. hehehehe. sige papayagan na kita na magpadelay ng isang term total yun naan ang gusto mo para makapagconcentrate ka sa thesis mo. hehehehe. tutal immortal ka nanaman kaya kahit ibagsak mo yan di ka na makikick-out hehehe. (2005)
see! i still have the thesis proposal hang-over that i cited her. waaa. thanks mom! that scared a lot of shit out of me. i don't know if she meant it or if she's just using reverse psychology but the important thing is, it urged me to finish my thesis proposal. her words kept on echoing at the back of my mind while i was multi-tasking (eating, reading, typing, and thinking). now i have more juices to put in my acknowledgement page about my mom. hehehehe.
my precious proposal was well paid-off when one of my mentors texted last night to tell me that i have a nice work although he told me that there'd be some minor revisions - typographical errors and the structure of the 'statement of the problem' part of my proposal. as for that part of my thesis, what i did was i presented the main problem to sum up the outcome of my thesis together with three sub-problems to link all the details. aside from that, i also showed the effects of my problem just to add some spice. my mentor, master dennis, told me not to add extra problems to support my sub-problem because for my panelist, it would seem that i'll do a lot of things. however, what sir v, one of my panelists, suggested the other way around. i don't know what the hell am i going to do with my thesis. i'll just let them fight their asses off on defense day.
yesterday was cirilo bautista's poetry night/tribute party. i was invited by the literature department to join since i was one of his students in poetry. they even requested me to do a poetry recital but i rejected it because last week, our org hosted the world philosophy day. i am also having a hard time with my thesis so memorizing a poem would be an easy trip for me to the mental asylum. i never told the head of the literature department what my main reasons were. i just told them that i already have a lot of commitments which needed to be accomplished as soon as possible. it's too vague a statement but effective. however, they still wanted me to come to the party since they already put me in the program. waaa. no one contacted me for heaven and hell's sake! it was my sister who found out that i was part of the poetry thing so i asked sir bayot (^__^) yesterday about it.
speaking of sir bayot, a classmate of mine in literature class told me that he said in class that he missed me so much (^__^) he even asked my friends in class if they can contact me because he needs to talk to me regarding some academic stuff so yesterday after class, i immediately consulted him. he haven't checked my midterm exam yet because he can't understand my handwriting. so, my midterm grade is on pending mode. he asked me if i can read my exam to me on tuesday. pheromones, yehehey! please don't tell my boyfriend. joke. he knows my fetish on gay people and understands my situation pretty well. well going back, since he can't understand my handwriting and i'm going to read to him my exam... herg herg herg... i can tweak my answers... wakekeke joke.
enough with academics! bah! since i don't have classes last wednesday, my mom gave me money to send me away from home and have some fun somewhere. i was on book hunting mode at that time so i went to a different bookstore, bibliarch, national bookstore, and power books. of course a different bookstore is still the best shop for me. i saw books written by derrida, sarte, nieztsche, and wittgenstein on sale. i'm not a shopaholic. in fact, i'm having a difficult time in when i shop. everytime i shop, i always have a thing in mind which i want to buy, however, when i see it, i still think about whether i am really gong to buy it. so i went to dippin' dots, my favorite ice cream store, to think whether i'm going to buy those books, i was thinking and eating ice cream on my way back to a different bookstore. then at my last spoonful of frozen dots, i decided i'm not going to buy books anymore but instead buy some toiletries instead. hmmm... what if o go back to glorietta later? heheheh
runaway
Monday, November 21, 2005
a letter to someone
just an intermission before i start working again. i hope you read this message when you have time. i really want to save this now because probably when the time comes that we can talk, i will have forgotten everything so i'll say things now even though it's very incoherently structured. i'll just type everything what my unconscious mind dictates. just reply if you have any questions, comments, objections, whatsoever… erhem.. hmm… where shall i begin…
i know both of us are preoccupied with a lot of things. both of us do not have enough time for each other because we are busy. i really wish that reality would permit us to stop time for eternity and to let us do all the things we want, however, life is that bitter that all we could do is just dream.
no this is not a break-up letter or anything. i'm just reiterating the bitter reality… life is absurd. we have to work our asses off just to die in the end. in spite of this, i know there is still meaning behind all the absurdities of life. it is up to both what kind of meaning we’re going to make of it.
last night i was just thinking about what you've said regarding careers and relationships. to be specific, how love relationships can be a hindrance to one's success. well, just for you to know, i'm working because i'm always dreaming of my future… i'm dreaming too exhaustively that sometimes my thoughts become too supernatural… you know the feeling of thinking about things which is really impossible for you to have like owning the whole world for instance. i don't know if you could still remember but i have told you that some people in the past have been telling me that i have no future because i'm just thinking about it. they're wrong. i know there are a lot of possibilities as to what the future might become. i'm just no ordinary dreamer JUST thinking about possibilities. i know in my heart i have the potential to make most of these possibilities become more than just a lousy dreamer's hallucinations.
that's what i'm doing right now and what i'll be doing tomorrow, if i'd still live that is the case. i want to externalize all these ideas i have about my future. i badly, lustily want to covet these dreams. what's the sense of writing my thesis of i don't want to graduate just to study again, go abroad, and get a high paying job? of course i have my reasons, and a lot of people are in it including you. in the present, i'm building my future with each every moment i can use. if you think that right now you are a hindrance to my future, i'd say no. i know the future is uncertain. the sad part is, we might not end up together. i have a love-hate relationship towards uncertainty. i've been always sharing my thoughts with cito – all my hopes, my fears, etc. he's been a very nice friend to me and one of the people i'd like to be as one of the characters in the stories i will be telling to my grandchildren if my collective memory would serve me well in the future. you can ask him what my thoughts are regarding this relationship with you. after what happened to cebu, my thoughts have turned into pessimism. i want to prepare myself. sorry if i'm thinking too much. i know you can feel this. i notice this also with all our phone conversations. prior to cebu, you once talked about trying to make your first love your last whereas now, we always talk about how uncertain things might be.
i know i have become your worst nightmare during that incident and i'm really sorry for that. sam once told me that you don’t deserve to be part of my memory as my first love. maybe it can be the other way around. i don't deserve to be as part of your collective memory. during the time we put our relationship into a hiatus, i was thinking not to continue the relationship with you. in fact (i even told you this), i was ready to end things up with you. i was just waiting for you to say "goodbye" but the decision shifted to me and until now, it is not clear to me why you made that decision. going back, one of the principles that i made before regarding relationships is that when my guy's parents and relatives are against me, i'll end up everything immediately. the reason why jhay left his girl because he loves her very much that he doesn't want the girl to make a choice between him and her mom. i was thinking about it. i know this racial thing sucks and i don't understand the logic of this percentage thing regarding someone's identity because some chinese people would even say that my sister and i are still chinese because we still 25 per cent of it. does that mean we're not filipino anymore considering the fact that we don't know any fukien or mandarin aside from the cuss words? where does one draw the lines? how come 50-50 is considered a chinese when a person has an equal percentage of both? am i spanish because i'm 12 per cent spanish? to hell with races and to hell with percentages! to hell with social constructs! i don't care because i know i'm human and that's the most indubitable thing in the world. i was thinking about quitting but i thought that it would be unfair on your part if i do it. you’ve been always telling me how you've been always talking out things to your mom and i appreciate all the effort. thank you very much. sorry if i'm thinking again too much because i don't want to cause you all the trouble. and after everything that happened to cebu, what more will your relatives think of me? i thought i'll be a disgrace. but i have chosen to fix everything including this thing although there seems to be more loose ends when we try to fix everything.
i also want to fix everything. i know i'm too obsessively-compulsive towards my life. if you think that i’m doing this for myself, i say no. becoming a part of my life, you already have a part in the future i am trying to build and i really hope that you will let me include you. you once told me that you'll let me go if you find yourself an obstacle to my success. you are one of the reasons why i'm doing all this work no matter how nauseous they may seem. it's not all fun. what fun to me is dozing lazily in a windy, sunny afternoon, playing overnight slaying dragons and hunting gold in khanonline, daydreaming, sleeping, drumming my way to fame as a rockstar… that sort of fun. not this, not writing a thesis as if the whole world will be put my thoughts into consideration, not studying again as if people give a shit if a have a "dr" or a "ph.d" attached to my name. life is absurd and this world is a swirling blob of vomit to live in. if you will be stepping out of my life because you think you are a hindrance, that will only shatter my dreams. it's really nice to be inspired by someone because it gives you all the drive to struggle against all these absurdities. i thank you for being one of my inspirations.
i'm really sorry if i'm not talking that much. i'm sorry if i'm too introverted. i'm sorry for the deafening silence every time we talk. i'm sorry for all the trouble… i'm sorry for everything. don't think of me too much because i can handle everything. not everyone knows what my problems are and i'm not planning to share it anyway unless it is called for. i don't want to see people fussing over my problems because they are mine alone. i don't want people to feel upset because i'm having such-and-such a predicament. i don't want to share my problems with you because i don't want you to feel overburdened. this may seem unfair but for me it is because i want it to be this way. i'm my friends' bastion of strength and i hope you also feel the same way when you share your thoughts with me.
again, thank you. you are nothing to me.
p.s. i'm really sorry for stealing your time. i know i'll disturb you for sure. it’s just because i want you to know all of these thoughts now. i'm sorry for being selfish. i know i am and i don’t regret it. "selfishness is a virtue" - ayn rand
runaway
Friday, November 18, 2005
why the red guy is pantsless
i really miss the old mtv. i really miss the old days when the channel still played real music. now mtv's infested with one-hit-wonder-rockstar-wannabes. where's the passion for music?
celebrity skin - hole
Oh, make me over
I'm all i want to be
A walking study
In demonology
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, so glad you could make it now
Oh, look at my face
My name is might have been
My name is never was
My name's forgotten
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, there's only us left now
When i wake up in my makeup
It's too early for that dress
Wilted and faded somewhere in hollywood
I'm glad i came here
With your pound of flesh
No second billing cause you're a star now
Oh, cinderella
They aren't sluts like you
Beautiful garbage beautiful dresses
Can you stand up or will you just fall down
You better watch out
What you wish for
It better be worth it
So much to die for
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, there's only us left now
When i wake up in my makeup
Have you ever felt so used up as this?
It's all so sugarless
Hooker/waitress/model/actress
Oh, just go nameless
Honeysuckle, she's full of poison
She obliterated everything she kissed
Now she's fading
Somewhere in hollywood
I'm glad i came here
With your pound of flesh
You want a part of me
Well, i'm not selling cheap
No, i'm not selling cheap
i am currently listening to nirvana (nevermind album)
due to public demand, i now unveil marinella's blog.
i skipped my one and only class every mondays and fridays. i'm not in the mood to go to school for some reasons. although i received a message from a friend regarding my high midterm exam result in that subject (analytic philosophy), there was not even a spark of excitement in my head. damn, i have to take an hour bus trip to school just to attend one single class then, after one hour and thirty minutes of boredom, go back home. *shrugs* another reason, probably, why i'm not in the mood to go to school is that my thesis is seducing me again. no wonder i have this sudden urge to take a notepad, a pen, and a bottle of san miguel strong ice (hey guys, it tastes sweeter than san miguel pale pilsen and san miguel light!). i love writing but not thesis because it forces my intuitive mind to be bound to a framework of some sort. i had a chat with cito at ym a while ago and told him that i am eally tempted to drop my thesis course at the expense of my college diploma so as to free my mind from the pressure. please, my dear friends, by all means stop me!
to some extent, sir dancel is right. he said in the "ad hoc" part (which is a comical story how he finds writing thesis excruciating) of his ma thesis that theses aren't that bad at all... they are evil. i understand him fairly enough. i lost a lot of pounds just thinking about how to think. i have a love-hate relationship with my thesis because it keeps my brain working to the extreme. i also lost a lot of weight. my height is 5'4 and i used to weigh 121 lbs (i was a pound overweight thanks to fast food)... after a week 115 lbs... another week 110 then 104. i'm not taking slimming pills or tea. i'm just thinking too much that i forgot to eat. if you think that i'm becoming anorexic, hell no! i love food!
next term i'll be lving like a hermit. i'll be moving in to my condo so that i can focus on my thesis. my mom wanted to put it on rent until she had her accountant friend of hers compute for the expenses... or whatever that is she's computing that made my mom realized that she won't actually earn from renting the condo. so she'll just put me on exile near temptation land - greenbelt (walking distance! i only have to cross the street ^__^). to those of you who wants to give me an ambush visit next term in my bat cave, i'll give you the address. i won't expose it here of course hehehehe.
runaway
Thursday, November 17, 2005
a poem within a poem
i just came home from school and missed the buffet i paid! waaa. but it's not my money anyway, it's the org's. they asked me why i was not present during the buffet. you all know the reason why however i told them that i'm still sick, which again is true.
regarding my report, i was humiliated earilier. when i think, it's always in english language that's why this blog is mostly in english and when i talk casually, it's always in filipino. that's the reason why my boyfriend doesn't want me to think because his english vocabulary isn't that sufficient to contest with mine lolz. since reporting is an intellectual discourse, i was thinking most of the time that i find it difficult to find the right words. we have to report it in filipino since the subject is filipino philosophy, so in the middle of my report, i had a mental block trying to figure out a certain filipino word.
"sinabi ni bautista tungkol sa tula na... a... shet nakalimutan ko a... ayun! misinterpretation is detrimental to a poem's life since it limits its true essence. however, personally speaking, i think the statement contradicts his philosophy because he himself said that a poem is subject to multiple meanings so how come a single interpretation of the poem be wrong .... hehehehe"
people laughed of course. my professor was awakened from his deep slumber because of the boisterous crowd. damn! i wonder what my grade would be in my oral report. my report was supposed to make dr grips sleep. hahahaha
well anyway, going back to my thesis, i was rereading the revised version of the background of the study part of my thesis. i discovered that beer really works. i thought someone else wrote it whoa! the wonders of san miguel light! hahaha. the revision was more organized and logical compared to the angst driven draft i made. i thought i was reading a philoshophical discourse... no joke. hahaha... now i have something to add in my acknowledgement page:
"i would like to thank san miguel corporation for supplying me with enough beers (i.e. san miguel light, pale pilsen, and strong ice) to keep me sane and inspired in working this thesis of mine. i hope when i get a high grade in my defense, the said corporation would grant me a scholarship for graduate school inclusive of free beers for me, my future mentor, and my panelists in my dissertation term."
i'm serious, i'm going to add that. right now, i am drinking strong ice. i'm already becoming popular at imart for buying beer everyday. i just made an excuse that i'm a beer bottle collector. hahahaha.
master crammer
i am so indulged with my thesis that i forgot when i am going to report for our filipino philosophy class. i just learned last tuesday that i will be reporting on the same day! a lot of people at that time were asking me where the venue of my report would be. i just told them, "i'm not the one who's going to report today. matagal pa ako." thanks to a classmate and arch-rival (the head of c.o.g.), i would never know that i'm supposed to be next.
solution: i talked to dr. grips that i was absent for quite some time due to my asthma which really is the case. and to my surprise, he apologized for not informing me since he has my celphone number anyway. i forgot that he was supposed to send each of us a message to inform us about our reporting schedules. he's an old guy so i won't get furious or anything... and he's also the head of the philosophy department. if i throw tantrums, my grade and my graduate school admission would be at stake. his game is a draw because both of us were irresponsible. however in the end, dr. grips, earns 5 extra brownie points because i only started working on my powerpoint presentation at around 8 am and finished just 15 minutes ago. hehehehe.
my report would be on cirilo bautista's theory of the poem. it won't be that much a hassle since lolo bau was my professor last year in poetry, one of my literature subjects. ergo, your egoist friend has the edge again! dr grips will be sleeping again anyway like what he did in the previous reportings so i won't do much sugar coating. one of my classmates caught a pic of him dozing in the middle of one of my classmates reports. it was a really funny pic because dr grips almost fell off his chair... picture perfect! i'll post that pic if i can get myself a copy.Your Personality Profile 
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
You are Jacques Lacan! Arguably the most important
psychoanalyst since Freud, you never wrote
anything down, and the only works of yours are
transcriptions of your lectures. You are
notoriously difficult to understand, but at
least you didn't talk about the penis as much
as other psychoanalysts. You died in 1981.
What 20th Century Theorist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
runaway
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
wheels in the head
i want to give myself a break so i'll write a long entry.
i've been so very busy with my thesis. i always think about it every minute of my life that i think that both of us should get married. i thought having my thesis would be fun because i love writing. hell no! for those of you people who are reading my blog and are expecting their thesis term to be as lovely as strawberry shortcake with vanilla ice cream on top, i'm sorry to tell you but expectations are nothing but merely illusory thoughts. nyahahaha!
working on my thesis has given me a lot of good and bad effects. err hemm... i've been talking to a lot of books for the past so-and-so days ergo, i am more knowledgeable than the kat last term. furthermore, i've made a lot of friends. below are their pictures.
bertrand russell
max stirner
friedrich nietzsche
karl marx
they're all dead of course but they are always talking to me whenever i feel down.. you know. hehehehe. this thesis work has gained me a lot of imaginary friends aside from the dead people mentioned above. my introversion and extroversion rates rose exhorbitantly. ironic isn't it but i'll explain how it all happened.
when i took my mbti test a year ago, my introversion rate was 90 per cent. someone even asked me if i'm suicidal because she hasn't encountered someone with such a high rate. last month it rose to 1 per cent due to my excessive addiction to online games. wow! improvement! this term, i tried taking the test again last week, my introversion rate now is 100 per cent. so does this mean that i have not been saying a word to anyone at all? no, because i have an online journal... no, because as what i've said, i gained a lot of friend ... i'm not insane ehehehe. my new result makes me want to meet that girl again, who assumed that i'm suicidal, to tell her that i'm dead.
one of my professors, sir raj, once told us that for us to unlock our creative side is to go deep within the unconscious. he also adds that alcohol untaps our unconscious mind. so guys, if you have noticed, i've been drinking beer almost everyday hahaha. last nigt, my mom saw a can of san mig light on my computer table. she was shocked and asked me why i was drinking. i replied, "meron ako ngayon e, masakit puson ko hehehe." i told her about the good effects of beer on women. i discussed it to her as detailed as possible so as to persuade her to my side of the story even though what i was telling was purely lies. i made my rhetorics sound scholarly that i dooped her and decided to keept a few cans of beer inside the refrigerator when her time comes. that's the advantage of being a philosophy student - you can easily get away with things.
i thought that persuasion thing did last night won't last. when i went home earlier, i almost forgot to keep my newly purchased bottle of beer inside my bag. i was quite confident then because mom usually goes home at nine. however, she was there at home... and saw my beer bottle. i was stunned for a few moments thinking that she might bawl at me but to my surprise, my spell still worked! she even asked me what san mig light tastes like so she opened my bottle and took the first shot for herself. wow, the effect is so astounding!
for those of you people who are might be thinking that i'm a hopeless nut-case with my thesis that's why i'm drinking... you got me wrong. if you think that i want to give myself a happy hour through hallucinations caused by drunkenness... you got me wrong again. although i want myself to get drunk hoping that my unconscious would unleash my hudden wisdom and finish my thesis in a zap. hell no! i just realized that i have high tolerance in alcohol so i can drink as many beers as i want until a get fat and bloated. hahahaha 
Which Member of the Endless Are You?
tractatus logico-philosophicus
i just want to share some quotes from one of my friends ludwig wittgenstein. for those who don't know this guy yet, he's an analytic philosopher, period... you do the research and educate yourselves hahaha
1. what can be said at all can be said clearly, and what we cannot talk about we must consign to silence.
2. the totality of true thoughts is a apicture of the world.
3. the world is independent of my will.
4. the solution of the proble of life is seen in the vanishing of the problem. (is not the reason why those who have found after a long period of doubt that the sense of life became clear to them have been unable to say what constitute that sense?)
5. a man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.
runaway
Monday, November 14, 2005
chips ahoy + san mig light = one hell of a dinner!
my thesis mentor already checked my work and he wants me to revise my background of the study part of the thesis because it's too personal and too melodramatic. bah! the effects of too much literature. not inly that, he wants me to add a lot of things so my thesis, he assumes, would be 60 + pages. brrr. how am i going to produce 60+ pages in four weeks? i'm too lucky i don't have wednesday classes but i really hope that i would spend my wednesday wisely.
writer's block
i am almost done polishing my thesis proposal. the only thing lacking is summarization of Bertrand Russell's philosophy of education. i already know a lot about the topoic but the problem is, i don't know how to start writing it. right now i'm having a very nasty head ache and it sucks.
i'll right more stuff here tomorrow or until i come back to earth.
runaway
Sunday, November 13, 2005
asthma
i am currently suffering from asthma. i'm so pissed-off because i still have to polish my thesis proposal which will be due tomorrow. the only thing i can do right now is to wish that my freakin asthma be gone after i blink... *wish* whatever. should i pray? no. hehehehe going back to painful reality, i am almost finished with my thesis proposal. i have the longest thesis proposal in my bunch - 23 pages. take note... "i am almost finished." i worked on my thesis last friday night and decided to stop at saturday morning, 9:30 am. i did not sleep. i spent my time reading and thinking which for me is pretty healthy. i really hate idle times becuase it's killing me.
----
i want to share this opportunity for everyone. for those of you who are interested to study in european countries, visit click here. they also offer scholarships. i won't let this opportunity pass so i passed my profile right away. they'll be having a booth on november 24 to 25 at the dlsu campus.
runaway
Friday, November 11, 2005
hewlett-fuckard
my printer jammed when i was printing my analytic philosophy reviewer earlier. after the printing process, i checked all the pages and seems that my printer doesn't know how to count. i want to change my printer for good. it's only good for printing colored images but when it comes to heavy duty works such as term papers and so on, it always eats the paper and most of the time, it messes the page numbers. hay, i want to buy an epson printer.
the deadliest deadline of our thesis proposals is fast approaching. one of my friend professors, sir v, kept on calling me a few days ago, ranting about his mentees. his topic in our phone calls is always his one and only choice of failing all his mentees. since he's my friend and i'm not close with any of his mentees, i'd do the pleasure of keeping his little secret. id that's the case then that's already five people scraped out in our batch tp graduate on time. lucky are those people who have double degrees because they can retake the course anytime.
that's it for now. i have to cram for my analytic class.
runaway
Thursday, November 10, 2005
"strawberry gashes" - jack off jill
a lot of people has a love-hate relationship towards my handwriting. most of them find it really nice to look at it. my handwritten works are often mistaken as a typewritten as if i have a font face of my own.
here are some testimonials of some people on my handwriting:
professors
1. *looks at paper* "next time, please bring your lap top. i'm always having a difficult time reding your papers. i don't even know how i'm going to read them. i always put your paper last in the bunch" - r. masukhani
2. *stares at paper* "my god! your handwriting is so small. god's (referring to himself) going to kill you!" - e. villacorta
3. *gets paper* "hmm... let's see if i can read your handwriting... hmm... manangeable." - c. bautista
4. "what the hell?" - v. gojocco
others
5. "your handwriting is so crazy!" - bunny
6. "tao ba nagsulat niyan? parang kinompyuter" - (i forgot his name)
7. in an exam *whispers* "ano ba yang sulat mo... wala akong mabasa" - carlo
8. someone wants to borrow my notebook "uh... no thanks!"
well anyway, i had this strange thought of loosing tremendous weight. when i was on my way home, i was thinking of how to earn easy money to support myself in graduate school. i just remembered i was offered to be a ramp model when i was still skinny and frail due to my asthma. i was thirteen years old then. hahaha. i have to talk to my mom ;>
runaway
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
death blooms
hello! as you can see, my fellow dangerous boy toys and playthings, i changed the lay-out of my because the skin host has exceeded his photobucket bandwidth. i hope you like this one. it has a picture of a wilted flower at the bottom of the screen. the skin host said in his description that he kept that flower in his room for quite some time. the wilted flower made this skin melodramatic which i find really nice.
speaking of dead flowers, this skin reminded me of the bouquet of white roses mark gave me on a very rainy sunday night. he did something which he thought got ticked me off on the afternoon of that same day. at ten 'o clock in the evening, i got two phone calls from two of our common friends who one of them are from cebu. they told me that mark is at jollibee las-piñas waiting for me since eight pm. he was also asking me to bring a brown envelope to keep some files.
i need not tell the whole story anymore so i'll just skip it and tell you more about the flowers.
i kept the bouquet of flowers under my bed because my mom might ask me where i got it. i kept it there until it wilted. i was supposed to give the flowers back to him on our anniversary, if ever we're going to have one, just to remind him of that night. unfortunately, our housemaid threw it away weeks ago. drat! it was taying there for almost two months already. hehehe
some tests i took days ago
You are the drawing.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the GODFATHER
*Don Vito Corleone is a man of his word who loves
his family to death. He has four natural
children and an adopted child that Sonny found
as a young boy roaming the streets named Tom
Hagen. He's the patriarch of the Corleone
family and is known as "The
Godfather". Basically, YOU ROCK DUDE!*
Which Character from the Godfather are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
runaway
Monday, November 07, 2005
interstate love song - stone temple pilots
waiting on a Sunday afternoonfor what I read between the lines, your lies.feelin' like a hand in rusted shameso do you laugh or does it cry?reply?leavin' on a southern trainonly yesterday you lied,promises of what I seemed to beonly watched the time go by,all of these things you said to me.breathing is the hardest thingto do. with all I've said andall that's dead for you,you lied - good byeleavin' on a southern trainonly yesterday you liedpromises of what I seemed to beonly watched the time go by,all of these things I said to you.
runaway
Sunday, November 06, 2005
"we are the slip-nuts and we're slipping on nuts..."
right now i'm reading the book my professor and buddy, sir dennis, borrowed from the library. the book is, philosophy and social hope by richard rorty, a well known poet(?) and pragmatist. he told me that the book will give me more insights to help me with my thesis. he's a cool mentor. we always spend five to fifteen minutes talking about my thesis then two to four hours (depending on our schedules) to talk about things anything under the sun (he's a walking encyclopedia!). we have the same music interests so that added fun to our casual conversations.
one of the conversations we had that made both of us cackled at the school corridors was the "slip nuts show". the band was invited in an afternoon show and the host requested the band that they'll do the opening performance instead. it was just for fun and slipknot pushed through with the sick joke. so all along, the fans were waiting for their favorite band to play but later were surprised to see 3 men singing while throwing nuts and slipping on the floor. of course, knowing the slipknot moshpit, the stupid guys received a lot of booes and middle fingers. lol.
and oh, speaking of slipknot, here's a gif animation of joey in a murderdoll's video (i forgot the title). he's a wonderful little boy. juicyness *drools*
here are some dollies kath created with a doll maker program. it's a post holloween slash christmas gift ;> thanks!
jumbo jumbo jumbo pack!
damn it! i still feel a bit sick. i really hope i could finish my thesis proposal before the deadliest deadline on november 14. i might not come to school tomorrow because my body still aches. i spent my vacation just reading books and articles. tomorrow i'll probably spend my time in front of the computer absorbing all the radiation instead of resting. i am so stressed-out i think i'd ask my mom to go out on a vacation this christmas break since my aunt and my cousins are not coming.
another nasty thing is my complexes were triggered by the datu puti jinggle. the song is stuck in my head since i-can't-remember-when. i tried playing almost all of my cd's but it seems that in every song i listen to, the dancing lito camo in elvis costume pops-out in my head whether the songs be as calming as enya or as heavy as tristania. i must forget that song as soon as possible before i mess-up with my thesis. fuck you lito camo! i'm going to kill you someday.
DISCLAIMER: the following paragraphs are for mature audiences only. if you think you're not mature enough, please don't read.
a while ago, my sister let me read a hipstir blog of a povedan slut. yes a poveda student... sixteen years old. she got the url from her friend timmy, who is also a classmate of mine in literary criticism class. i was so shocked after reading each sentence in her blog. i can see that she's an s person because her journal entries are oozing with details. her journal isn't the erotic type such as nabokov's lolita but the very visual english version of xerex and xaviera only with "class" since the language is not in filipino.
i noticed that if you talk about taboo stuff in filino, filipinos find it absurd because it's too vulgar. i really don't understand this kind of mentality. as what one of our professors (and crush ^__^), sir bayot said in his class, the mtrcb people don't even know the difference between erotica and porn. the only way for them to know the distinction, he says and i quote, "is for them to have good sex."
well anyway, as for the povedan girl-slut, she does it with different men of different shapes and sizes (just a metaphor) - teen age boys, the jologs moshpit boys, her friend's driver, and a congressman. yes peeps a congressman. to worsen things up, she does it without protection (because she's a bullet catcher if you know what i mean) and is really happy and proud that she's on pills.
she really is a slut. i'm not against pre-marital sex but what i hate is that she gives her body away that easily to men she doesn't even know. she does it for free except for mr. congressman because she traded a new ipod, jewelry set, and a cocktail dress for her body. she's also advertising, by the way. she has a picture of her nude body in her hipstir account - a beautiful piece of fuckable fresh (?) meat.
i have a boyfriend and i can't see myself na namamangka sa iba't ibang ilog... @_@ i have to sleep now guys. ;>Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vicegerent's DiseaseCause: exposure to radiation Symptoms: automatic writing, blindness, tiredness Cure: click heels together three times
runaway
Saturday, November 05, 2005
dancing the dreamless dream
here's something i wrote last october 17. i only found that manuscript of mine last night when i was fixing my jungle of a room. i really hope next term, i still have some idle time to write a poetic prose such as this one. when i wrote this one, i was highly influenced by e. e. cummings, whose work is marqueed at the first page, and one of my favorite professors, dr. cirilo bautista (i think he was nominated national artist... or i think he is already).
i hate the month of october because a lot of things had happened to me and to some other people. last november 1, when i read the tabloid horoscope, it said on gemini, my sun sign, that the day marks a new chaper of my life.
after reading the tabloid, i picked-up the match-box. being the arson that i am, i imagined myself burning each and every person that wounded me and hoped that my pain will also be burned away. i want to forget everything. if i'd be the kid again that i used to be, i'd surely forget all the persons involved in that incident. however, i can't do that. some of them are very special.
they say that for me to forget the past is to live in the present. that's impossible. without the past, it is impossible to for the present moment to happen and the future as well. to put things ina very radical light, it is impossible for one to stare at the mirror not recognizing his or herself because no matter what he or she does with his or herself, he or she can see the remnants of his or her past. it's very impossible to look into the mirror not recognizing yourself.
sorry if i got carried away. but anyway, here it is
------------
an angel flew into my dream. i was awake. i walked away and pounced into the most comfortable shadows of my coffer, my home. i never wanted him to follow but angels do fall.
i walked around him. each step, smaller and smaller circles around the creature, til i became invisible and found myself caressing the finest of all hairs.. the softest of all palest skins.. the deepest of all eyes... the sweetest of all lips... he touched me and sang the sweet scent flowers blooming on the birth of spring. the sound of his scent caressed my body into a dreamless slumber - a dream i never had in my dream.
my lusting love spun me smaller and smaller. i made myself one with the blossoms and dewdrops. i want to dance the wind hat lifts his tender wings as he glides through the oblivious sky. i am the sweet that made me covet my angel for myself... mine... forever.
my heart trembles for the day when my angel would fly back from where he came from. he'll wake me up in my deep slumber leaving me wandering in my endless dream... wondering when when i'll wake up... wondering if i'll ever wake up to smell my spring.
now he flies away from this dream i created. i have never seen him broken since the day he fell. my wounded hands hessitated to blemish the finest of all hairs.. the softest of all palest skins.. the deepest of all eyes... the sweetest of all lips... all my tears can do is follow the fading jewel in the oblivious sky as they fall on my hands reviving my wounds to weep again... silently, beautifully marked all the dreams he lulled me.
i don't know if the angel who once fell into my dream will ever come back. i will not wait for him anymore. i will always be here in the warmest shadow of my dream forever awake dancing his scent.
runaway
Friday, November 04, 2005
be careful of what you whish for
a few days ago, i said that i'd rather have lbm than cystitis. now that my cystitis is gone, i have lbm. what's next?
runaway
Thursday, November 03, 2005
madonna
the harlot of babylon... cebu... whoman walking in furrs... jewels... dancer... i hate nuts... i want to go out and eat pizza... i don't have load because i don't wan to reload... i want to sleep now.. pringles... pingaling... hmmm.. chill-out... i want spaghetti... i want to go to india... red.. blue... white.. e.e. cummings... flower... fire... u... la lala lala... red ballpen.
i want to watch rex navarrete but i want to wat pringles instead... ID.. id... ID... ID... la lala lala i want to relax... religion... la lala lala... rorty... 254536463456... what.. 's the ..s...ens...e? ^... la lala lala i can;t sing//. all i... have to do is... la lala lala... why?
runaway
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
random rantings
right now i am suffering from cystitis, commonly known as balisawsaw in our language. it's not a deadly disease so don't rejoice yet. i don't know how i got this thing but i guess probably from the dirty public toilet... i don't know. the only thing i know right now is that i'd rather have lbm.